What’s new, pussy-cat?

Blair Drummond Castle

The Motorhomers had prepared well for the visit to the Safari Park. Phemie and Jessie didn’t want the lads to look out of place and had bought them both a pair of khaki Safari jackets and shorts, with a khaki haversack, in which to keep their binoculars, guide-books, camera, cans of lager and other such necessities. They were being driven around the lions’ compound and had stopped a distance from the high fence to admire the animals through binoculars. The two brave lads had left the security of the vehicle and had ventured a little closer to the perimeter fence.

The ladies were admiring the wild-life;

‘I fair fancy yon park ranger, Phemie, wi’ his big hairy airms an’ legs an’ yon big gun slung o’er his shooder,’ said Jessie.

‘Aye, Jessie, he’s as ugly as sin. His face looks like it’s been under the African sun for too long an’ burst intae flames, Jessie, an’ somebody has tried to put the flames oot usin’ the sole o’ a golf shoe, Jessie,’ said Phemie.

‘Aye, Phemie, he’s got a face like a well-skelpt arse,’ said Jessie.

‘I’ll be glad when I get back tae the safety o’ the Motorhome, Phemie,’ Jessie said.

‘Me as well, Jessie, an’ tae get away frae the smell o’ a’ yon dung, Jessie,’ Phemie said.

On the prowl.

The lads were getting closer to the compound, and Francie was becoming worried;

‘We shouldnae be daein’ this, Josie,’ said Francie. ‘Were getting too close tae the lions,’ he said.

‘Dinnae ye worry, Francie, yer big pal, Josie, wouldnae get ye intae bother, Francie, just trust me,’ he said.

The animals were getting closer;

‘Josie, Josie, that yin’s beginnin’ tae trot,’ said Francie. ‘We’d better beat it,’ he said.

‘Och, Francie, the park ranger has got a tranquiliser gun, if he sees that ye’re in trouble, he’ll fire a tranquilising dart. Then if a lion does bite ye, ye’ll no’ feel it,’ said Josie.

Francie had dropped his haversack and was bringing out his trainers;

‘Josie that big lion has started tae lope towards us, it’ll clear yon fence in one bound nae bother, Josie,’ Francie said.

‘Whit are ye puttin’ on yer trainers for, Francie? Ye’ll never out-run a lion,’ Josie said.

‘Sure, Josie, sure, Josie, I know, Josie,’ said Francie. ‘I’m just makin’ certain that I can out-run you, Josie,’ Francie said.

Francie took to his heels. Josie remained, taunting the lioness. With his two fists raised up toward the creature in a menacing manner, and his chin jutting forward, he was saying;

‘Come on, come on, big pussy-cat, put up yer fists. I can fight ye wi’ yin haun’ tied behind my back. Let’s see whit ye’re made o’, come on, come on,’ he was saying.

The animal was becoming restless. The ranger saw this and fired off a dart. The dart hit Josie on the derriere. His legs buckled and he slumped to the ground in a heap. He was carted off to the first aid. After half an hour, Josie came around.

The park ranger said;

‘Sorry aboot that, Jimmy, but the beast was becomin’ agitated,’ he said.

Ye’re a big daft gallut, Josie,’ said Jessie. ‘A big daft gallut,’ she said.

Francie could be heard sniggering in the background.

Joe Sharp.

For the adventures of Francie and Josie, click here.

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